Romford - Christopher Poole Review

Butterfly chicken breast mango and lime
Luso beans
Soft drink
£12.70

PLACE: Table 13. Being Essex, this was less of a restaurant and more of a nightclub. We were greeted with a huge outdoor queue formed of the Romford glitterati, which made it the first time that I have ever felt under-groomed at a Nando's. The men had coiffured hair, makeup and tight shirts and the ladies wore sparkly dresses and heels. Having a quick scope of the clientele I concluded that none of the men were straight. This was confirmed when my homosexual dining companion told me that his gaydar was hitting red. The security were surprisingly friendly, the bar was small and the dancefloor was packed full of crap tables set out in a grid. All that was missing was a toilet-hand-towel-distribution attendant. The barn-themed wooden decor stank of suburban shopping centre- 5/10

HOST: Kemal was a flirt, which was a bit of a waste on me. He had an XS Nandos shirt and in place of a name badge, he had massively erect nipples- 7/10

FOOD: GUEST MENU FROM @SHELLZENNER VIA TWITTER. Firstly, the luso beans were a luxury side product that reinforces the difference in quality between KFC and N. Tonight, due the the location, I wasn't the only person to have overpriced breasts although mine were definitely the least hot. I don't think I have ever been below the hot level but, to be fair, the sweet mango was bearable. But when I was nearing the end of my chicken tit, I did have to sneak on a little pour of extra hot. I'm sure that my order was healthy as nothing about it seemed fun and, as usual for me when I go to a nightclub, I ended up sucking on the least hot breasts in the area. Thanks Shell- 6.5/10